


The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Gonorrhea

by violue



Series: Cupcakes and Chlamydia [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Multi, Sick Sam Winchester, gonorrhea, not rated mature for sexy reasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 15:48:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6201370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violue/pseuds/violue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's getting married in five hours, and Sam has some bad news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Gonorrhea

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Kris](http://kelisab.tumblr.com/) for beta'ing, and to [Dani](http://warkitt3nz.tumblr.com/) for helping me pick just the right STD to inflict on Sam...
> 
> This is sort of a... celebration??? For getting me to 30,000 hits on The Way to a Man's Heart is Through Chlamydia. Thank you to everyone that's read the main story, to everyone that's commented/kudosed/etc'd... I give you this gift of... Sam. With implied diarrhea.

Dean’s pacing around Sam’s living room, trying not to freak out. Sam is sprawled out on the couch, while Jess is perched on the arm of the couch frowning down at her husband.

“So you’re going to miss the wedding entirely?!” Dean says, throwing his hands up in the air.

“I’m going to try to be there, Dean! But you definitely need a new best man, okay?” Sam adjusts the washcloth over his eyes and returns to holding his stomach.

Dean sighs, burying his face in his hands before looking back at his giant, waylaid brother. “And this is… food poisoning?”

“Yeah. Really bad food poisoning,” Sam says. Dean just happens to look over to see Jess roll her eyes.

“Jess?”

Jess looks at him, startled. “Yeah?”

Dean narrows his eyes. “What really happened?”

“Food poisoning. Like Sam said!”

Dean’s outright glaring now. “Bullshit. You have a _tell_ when you lie.”

“Damn it, Jess!” Sam growls. “Way to give it away!”

“He was _lying,_ Sam. I don’t have a tell. _You_ gave it away.”

Sam lifts the washcloth from his eyes and glances over at Dean. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Hey, fuck this. You’re my brother. You’re my _best friend._ If you’re bailing on being in my damn wedding I deserve to know why.”

Sam looks at Jess, who shrugs. “Alright, you’re right, Dean. I’m sorry, this is just… fucking embarrassing.”

“ _What’s_ embarrassing?” Dean can’t believe he’s having to drag this information out of Sam, he has shit to do. He’s getting married in five damn hours, he has to be at the airport to pick up his cousins in an hour, he has to go see his parents and deliver the news that his father _can_ in fact attend the wedding, he has to get dressed… _fuck._

“So, it’s not food poisoning. I’m having a reaction to my antibiotics.”

“Okay? And why are you on god damn antibiotics?”

Sam pulls the washcloth back over his eyes. “I have gonorrhea.”

Dean glances at Jess, whose expression is caught in some odd place between concern and amusement. “ _Gonorrhea._ ”

“Yes, I fucking have gonorrhea, okay?! I have fucking gonorrhea and the antibiotics are making my stomach do a lot of really unpleasant shit right now.” As if on cue, Sam’s stomach makes a loud noise like an animal in pain.

“How the fuck did you get _gonorrhea,_ Sam?!”

“Do you really need to know this?”

God, no. “Yes!”

Sam looks over at Jess, who has nothing to offer but another shrug. “Okay, well… last week Jess and I decided to uh… we read this magazine article, and… it talked about uh… we wanted to _explore_ —”

“Sam and I picked a guy up at a bar and had a threeway,” Jess cuts in.

Wow, no, Dean didn’t need to know that. “And you didn’t use a condom? Jesus, Sam. Didn’t you learn anything from _my_ adventures with STDs?”

“We used a condom for the uh… when he was um…” Sam makes some vaguely obscene gestures with his hands. “But not when I uh… in my mouth. And a couple days later I noticed I had a… I mean I thought it was strep throat, but then Jess was telling me about a girl in her sorority that got gonorrhea in her throat, and so… yeah, I went to the doctor, and _boom,_ gonorrhea.”

Dean groans. This is _excruciating._ “But Jess didn’t catch anything?”

“No, we haven’t had sex since that night. Jess started her uh… um, period the next day… and that night she uh… she kind of just watched and uh mastur—”

“Please stop,” Dean begs. Sam’s jaw clicks shut. “Does he know he’s going around giving people god damn gonorrhea?”

“Yeah, Jess called Cain to tell him,” Sam mumbles.

“He was pretty horrified and apologetic. Nice guy, really,” Jess says.

“Nice guy that gave my brother _gonorrhea_.”

“Hey, you gave Cas chlamydia, are you saying _you’re_ not a nice guy?”

“This isn’t about me!”

“Dean, I’m sorry, okay? I thought about holding off on treatment until after the wedding, but the doctor was saying the sooner the better.”

“Can’t you just pull it together and go to this damn wedding?”

“Dean, I’m gonna try, but it’s not looking good, and I don’t want to wait until the last minute to find you a replacement.”

“Who the hell am I supposed to use instead?”

“I don’t know, Dean! Ash? Bobby? Dad? Benny? Jo? Gabriel?”

“Gabriel is _Cas’_ best man.”

“Maybe one of his other brothers, then?”

“I don’t like any of them enough to put them in my _wedding_ , for fuck’s sake.” Dean looks over at Jess, pointing a finger at her. “You.”

Jess blinks. “Me?”

“Yes. Congratulations, Mrs. Winchester, you’ve just been promoted.” Dean digs his and Castiel’s wedding rings out of his pocket, slapping them in Jess’ palm.

“Awesome! I’m the best woman!”

“Please don’t get crippling diarrhea between now and my wedding, Jess,” Dean begs.

Jess grins, stuffing the rings into her jeans. “I’m gonna try my damndest.”

Dean sighs and heads for the front door. Well, this day is off to a promising start.

 

**Author's Note:**

> After I typed this I realized there's no Castiel in it! Sorry about that. I'm sure there will be more, I'm just not sure when. :))


End file.
